Healthy communication and navigating conflict in a romantic relationship

RELATIONSHIP | DATING | MENTAL HEALTH

Is every conversation with your partner turning into an argument?

When working with clients on relationship issues I often notice that one common pitfall during communication in a relationship is the use of absolutes like "never" and "always."

Imagine this: You're in the middle of a heated discussion with your partner. Emotions are running high, and suddenly, out comes the dreaded line, "You never listen to me!" or maybe it's "You always forget our plans!" Sound familiar?

These absolutes—"never" and "always"—can be like throwing fuel on the fire. They’re sweeping statements that rarely reflect the full truth of any situation and often lead to more hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

In relationships, how we communicate can significantly impact our connection with our partner, especially during conflicts. And this might be one of the best relationship advice you could follow.

Why Do We Use Absolutes?

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to reach for these words. They can feel like they encapsulate our frustrations, especially when we’re trying to make a point about a recurring issue.. Make communicating regularly  an important aspect of your relationship with your partner so that you don’t end up bottling your emotions or holding onto concerns for way too long. However, using absolutes can backfire. They often exaggerate the situation, leading your partner to become defensive rather than understanding.

This brings up another important aspect of, effective listening. But we’ll talk about that in the next article.

The Impact of Absolutes

Let’s break it down with a story. Picture a couple, Alex and Jamie, who are arguing about household chores. Jamie says, "You always leave the kitchen a mess!" Now, Alex, feeling attacked, quickly lists off the times they’ve cleaned up, completely sidestepping the issue at hand. What started as a discussion about sharing responsibilities turns into a debate about who’s right or wrong.

When we use absolutes, we risk painting our partner in a corner, where they feel they must defend their entire character instead of addressing the specific behavior. It turns a single issue into a battleground of everything they've "always" or "never" done, which can derail the conversation and make resolution seem impossible.

Finding a Better Way

What if, instead of using absolutes, Jamie had said, "I’ve noticed a few times when the kitchen has been left messy, and it’s been bothering me. Can we figure out a way to make sure it stays clean?" This approach not only acknowledges the specific concern but also invites Alex to work together on a solution, rather than getting defensive.

Similarly, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try expressing how you feel: "Sometimes, I feel like I’m not being heard. Can we talk?" This opens up space for a constructive conversation, focusing on feelings and behaviors rather than assigning blame.

Why This Matters

Avoiding absolutes in conflicts can transform the way you and your partner communicate. It helps keep the focus on resolving the issue at hand rather than getting sidetracked by exaggerated claims. By being specific and expressing feelings, you foster a more understanding and empathetic dialogue.

So next time you’re in a tough conversation, remember: it’s not about winning the argument, but about connecting and understanding each other. Ditch the 'always' and 'never'—you might just find that your conflicts become less about confrontation and more about collaboration.